"Prison Is For People That Has Never Roller Skated" Taking You Into The Weekend

I wanna move to Reno, Nevada so bad I can taste it. Old black dudes giving out E pills left and right, first ones on the house? Morbidly obese guys making it rain with free candy in sketchy vans? Grandpa's in graffiti gangs? Shit sounds like Disney World for grown ups. Combine that with the fact that according to this video, if you go to Roller Kingdom you're guaranteed to make it to college, never go to jail AND never have an unplanned pregnancy? Well, it's been real New York, but peace I'm outta here.



P.S. I love how Roller Kingdom tries to act all high and mighty like they live above the influence and all that other good stuff. Meanwhile their logo clearly features a marijuana leaf above the 'I' in Kingdom. I think it's pretty obvious that this "roller rink" is just a front for their drug ring.

Think about it- roller skating, rolling face. I think I'm on to something here...

-fresh (@danye33)

N.B.A. End Of Season Mega-Column, Part 2 (First Round Playoff Predictions)

In case you missed Part 1, click here

76ers (8) vs. Bulls (1)

Don’t expect much scoring in this series (both teams allowed under 90 ppg), but do expect a quick exit from this slumping Sixers squad. If Rose can manage to stay healthy I think they run though Philly with ease. Chicago is one of these teams that regardless of the matchup plays with a chip on their shoulder so you know they’ll be fired up for the playoffs. The Bulls were the best rebounding team in the league in 2012, and I don’t think Elton Brand and Spencer Hawes are capable of doing much to stop that. This is easily the most lop sided series of round 1.

However, after reading up on Evan Turner and Derrick Rose’s unfinished business carrying over from high school, my interest in this series has increased tenfold. 

Regardless, get ready to bust out the brooms. Chi-town in 4.

Knicks (7) vs. Heat (2)

The bright lights come early this year for Bron Bron. Typically, the King has been able to coast through the first couple rounds relatively under the radar before choking in the spotlight when the going gets tough.  But not this year. You can bet all basketball eyes will be paying extra close attention to this series throughout. Despite Miami’s clean sweep of New York in the regular season, I have an inordinate amount of faith in the Knicks heading into this matchup. Carmelo Anthony has finally hit his grove and should be able to somewhat neutralize James, a task few have ever been capable of doing. The X-Factor in this series is going to come down to the point guards. Chalmers has proved his chops in years past for the Heat and Jayhawks, and old man Baron is another one of those guys known to elevate his level of play come playoff time. The one thing that’s for certain is that the Garden is going to rocking. If the Knicks can steal 1 out of 2 in Miami and swing home court in their favor it will change the whole dynamic of the series.   

Go NY Go NY GO! Knicks in 7

Magic (6) vs. Pacers (3)

When Dwight Howard announced that he would be missing this year’s playoffs (and Olympics) to repair a herniated disc in his back, my anticipation for this series was lost faster Kevin McAllister in Home Alone 2.  Orlando was going to be my sleeper team this postseason because with Howard beasting in the paint and a barrage of deadly three point shooters around the arc, I thought they might be able to catch fire and go on a little run a la 2009. But without Superman they don’t have a snowballs chance in hell. Look for Danny Granger to continue his stellar play (18.7/5 per) and defensively Paul George and Roy Hibbert will be too much for the Magic to handle.

Orlando steals one at home, but Indy cruises in 5.

Hawks (5) vs. Celtics (4). 

This is the second time in four years that these two squads have faced off in the first round of the playoffs and I must say, I don’t think the outcome is going to be any different thing time around. The one area where I think the Hawks could have really made up some ground would have been in the post, but Horford being sidelined for the duration of the series nullifies that advantage. A few months back the great Bob Ryan proclaimed that the C’s were on year 5 of a 3 year plan, but ever since the All-Star break they’ve been playing some of the most inspired basketball in the league. Just like Ben Afflack’s character in “The Town”, I think these guys have one last run in them before fading off into the Florida sunshine (retirement).

Bean Town in 5

Jazz (8) vs. Spurs (1)

Pop’s boys kept on ticking and clicking this year, to the tune of 50 wins in an incredibly deep Western Conference. The Jazz were able to beat out Houston and Phoenix for the 8^th spot and in process sent a huge “eff you” message to Jerry Sloan and Deron Williams. I love Utah’s big men (Jefferson/Millsap) and the emergence of Jimmy Chitwood Gordon Hayward has been fun to watch, however I think their story book season comes to an abrupt end.

Parker & co. roll, Spurs in 6

Mavs (7) vs. Thunder (2)

This may be a rematch of last year’s Western Finals, but don’t on the same results. Dallas let Chandler/JJ/Deshawn walk in hopes of landing Deron & Dwight in the summer of 2012. Solid game plan, except Dwight’s staying put and the Mavs just cost themselves a shot at another ring. OKC’s 3-headed monster is too much for any Western Conference foe to deal with, let along the aging Mavericks. My not so bold predictions for this series- KDtrey, fresh of his THIRD STRAIGHT SCORING TITLE, will drop a nickel in one game this series (that’s 50 points for the uninitiated) and Serge Iblocka’s defense  will be too much for Dirk to handle.

Semi-related note: I was partying out at the Shell BackTavern in Manhattan Beach two weeks ago after the Lakers/Nuggets game. Everything was going great-it was a full house, pitchers, shots, Tiki torches, the works. My cousin CJ had just finished up telling me a story about how last 4^th of July weekend Mark Cuban was there at the same bar, hammered off his ass, buying shots for everybody. I remember thinking that was pretty cool, then turning and ordering another drink. At that same moment, a jacked arm in a blue cut off tee reaches over with a $20 bill and orders two aluminum bottle Bud Lights. The guy looked exactly like Cubes, but I thought that would have been way too much of a coincidence so I didn’t stare too long. Eventually I mentioned it to my cousin, who looked down the bar and confirmed my suspicions that it was in fact Mark Cuban. By now he was surrounded by a force field of beautiful blonds, one of which was severely locked and loaded on the Cubes. I’ve always respected the way he ran the Mavs, and thought it would be pretty cool to take a shot with him so I ordered 2 shots of Tequila.

I approached Mark and his very young, very pretty lady friend, shook his hand, and asked him if he would like to take a shot with me. He pointed to the girl and instructed her to take it, but she declined. He then took his right index finger, dipped it in the shot glass, licked his finger and said “I don’t do tequila”.  With that, I turned around, took the shot with my cousin, and left California with a great story.

No tequila = no first round victories. Thunder in 4

  

Nuggets (6) vs. Lakers (3)

I saw this matchup in person a couple weeks back and even without the Black Mamba it wasn’t ever really close. The Lakers are just too talented and seasoned to lose this early. I really like some of the moves that Denver has made recently, freeing up cap space with the Nene-McGee trade, locking up Gallo/Chandler long term and drafted Kenneth Faried. I think they steal a game or two at home but ultimately they’re just not quite there to make a post season splash just yet.  Keep an eye out for a well rested Kobe this post season, this guy is locked and loaded with his eye on the prize, Terminator style. That immortal 6^th championship ring is just sixteen wins away.

Lake show in 6

The jersey rematch we've all been waiting for!

Clippers (5) vs. Grizzlies (4)

Aside from Knicks-Heat this is the most intriguing first round match-up for me. Both teams have a very similar style of play and thy finished within a game of each other in the standings (the difference maker being Memphis game 66 win over the Magic). Blake has taken some nice leaps forward this year for the Clips, but my fear with them is that they won't be able to play both him and Jordan in crunch time because of how atrocious they are from the stripe (both shot just 52% this past season). It will interesting to see Memphis, last year's surprise playoff team, back at full tilt with Rudy Gay and Z-Bo. Although Randolph hasn't scored more than 20 points in a game in well over a month, I still expect him to be their workhorse down the stretch. But in the end I expect CP3 to takeover and lead the Clip show past this feisty Memphis squad.

This ones going the distance- Clips in 7

-fresh (@danye33)

N.B.A. End Of Season Mega-Column, Part 1

149 days. 

That's how long the National Basketball Association was locked out for. Nearly half a year went by while the uncertain fate of my favorite professional sports league lingered in midair. Thankfully, in the end, cooler heads prevailed. Maybe it was because the players finally realized the fiscal consequences of losing a years worth of salary. Or maybe it was because the owners were well aware of the irreparable damage a year with no games might do to their booming fan base. Regardless of how we got here, a 66 game regular season was played, and boy did it end up being one hell of a ride. 

It's not easy playing 66 games in 124 days. Just ask guys like Derrick Rose, Kobe Bryant, Ricky Rubio, Dwight Howard, Carmelo Anthony, Amar'e Stoudemire, Danillo Gallanari, Andrea Bargnani, Lamarcus Aldridge, Al Horford, Steph Curry, Manu Ginobili, Ray Allen or the handful of other super stars who missed significant time due to wear and tear injuries. 

It might not have always been pretty, but it sure was entertaining. We saw teams take big steps forward (Pacers, Lakers, Clippers) and gigantic leaps backwards (Magic, Bucks, Sixers).  From Linsanity to C'antoni this was a condensed regular season for the ages, and the best is yet to come. Welcome to the most wonderful time of the year. Welcome to the 2 Man Weave's second annual N.B.A. End of Season Mega-Column.

Please proceed with caution.

Most Surprising Team- The Indiana Pacers

Apparently I was only one who didn't see this coming. The Pacers finished the season a remarkable 18 games over .500, and had already secured the #3 seed in the East with more than a week to spare. They proved that they weren't afraid of the Bulls (formally their big brothers of the midwest) and gelled better than any team in the league. Whereas most teams these days look to win by acquiring stars, Indy has opted instead to look for pieces that complement each other. Years of smart drafting have finally payed off, and with a first round match-up looming against the Dwight-less Magic, the second round of the playoffs is all but assured. For the first time since the Mallace at the Palace, the Pacers are legitimate contenders. Larry may not have been better than Michael on the court, but the dude runs circles around him in the front office.

I also predicted that Roy Hibbert would crack the elite 2 block per game club this season. He finished with 1.98. (yes, I only put this in to feel better about myself for predicting that they would finish 9th in the East)

Most Disappointing Team- The Minnesota Timberwolves


Let me first clarify that this isn't a knock to effort that this team put forth for the first two and a half months of the season. The Timberwolves are the most disappointing story of the 2012 season because of what could have been. This is a team that was playing it's best basketball since the Garnett/Szczerbiak era. They were 21-19 at the All-Star break, were battling for a playoff birth,  had the best power forward in the league putting up Moses Malone esq. numbers and a rookie point guard that ran the pick and roll better than just about anyone. Then the Rubio ACL tear happened. Then they lost 21 out of 26 games in March and April. Then they lost Kevin Love prematurely to a concussion. Then Kevin Love started sporting a rapey mustache. Then they found themselves in the lottery again, only this time the Hornets own their pick. You see where I'm going with this? 

Wait for it.

KAHHHHHHHHHHHHNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!


Worst Off-Season Signing- Greg Oden, 1 year 8.9 million, Portland Trail Blazers 

This summer's winter's off season lacked your typical managerial brain fart signings from the owners for a few reasons. The main one being that the owners had just spent more than five months locked out because of the effects of their  frivolous spending in years past, making teams a bit more reluctant to splurge on the likes of Hedu Turkoglu and Hakim Warick this time around.

As expected (the preseason odds at my made up casino for Oden suiting up in 2012 was +200) the former #1 overall pick didn't step foot on the court this season for the Blazers. He re-injured his "good" knee before the season even began. His last appearance in an NBA game was December 5th, 2009, yet out of loyalty (or pity?) Portland still decided to roll the dice and spend 1/6th of the teams cap room on the wild card. He was cut on March 15th to make room for Hasheem Thabeet and Johnny Flynn. Talk about fitting way to go out. 

It goes without mentioning that Kevin Durant's (the #2 pick in the 2007 draft, immediately following Oden) success and emergence as the face of the NBA has added an avalanche of salt to the wound of Blazers fans everywhere. He turned the Sonics/Thunder franchise around, built them into the perennial Western Conference powerhouse and just won his third straight scoring title.

Meanwhile Greg Oden's career stats look something like this. 82 games played, 9.4 ppg, 5 knee surgeries.


The YouTube Award- Blake Griffin

This award is given annually to the player whose nightly highlights most frequently become appointment internet viewing, and for the second consecutive year, the honor belongs to the Blake Show. He led the league in dunks this year with 192, including two Earth shattering slams during the Staples Center showdown that robbed Pau Gasol of whatever manhood he had left. We're one year away from officially renaming this award after him. 

Justin Timberlake may have brought sexy back, but Blake brought Mosgov'd back.

M.V.T. (Most Valuable Tweeter)- J.R. Smith (@TheRealJRSmith)

After J.R. and his sister nearly started World War III in China, the oft-troubled sharp shooter returned state side and immediately  became a contributing role player for the Knicks.  However, Smith's greatest contribution to the masses came via a March 9th tweet in which he posted a lewed photograph of the woman he was currently sharing a hotel room bed with. 

All he wanted to do was watch his little brother play in the Big East tournament, only he couldn't concentrate because @TheRealTahiry's real ass was totally distracting him (and rightfully so). So he posted the picture, playfully wrote "Damn you!" to Tahiry (a phrase that scores off the charts of the unintentional comedy scale) and got slapped with a $25,000 fine.  

Smith has been known to take to twitter after most games to chat it up with fans, and his bio boasts that he's "A Hard 8", which may or may not be a reference to his erect penis.

The Jodie Foster "Panic Room" Award- The Nets trading a sure fire high lottery pick to the Blazers for Gerald Wallace

The Nets are a team in limbo. They're moving to Brooklyn next season, their best player's contract expires at the end of June with no guarantee of him coming back and they've been the laughing stock of the NBA for the past five seasons. Most importantly they're going to need to sell tickets next year to pay for their new arena and in order to do that they need to field a competitive team, something that is far easier said than done. 

Things were looking bright in the days leading up to the trade deadline. Dwight's hoodwinked attempt to get Orlando to "roll the dice" hadn't yet been squashed, and dreams of D-Will/D-12 combo in BK began to look like a reality. Then Otis Smith wised up, gave Dwight an ultimatum, and after getting ridiculed by every single one of his twitter followers, Howard caved and waived his right to become a free agent July 1st. Just like that New Jersey's morale returned back to their standard low, and the grim possibility that they might be headed across the Hudson without a super-star emerged once again.

So how did they handle the situation you might ask? By trading away a sure fire lottery pick (top 3 protected) to Portland for a 30 year old swing man/defensive specialist, who has been on the declining side of his career for the better half of the last decade in an ill advised attempt to lure Deron Williams to resign.

Fat chance.

Barring a Derrick Rose esq. lottery ball fix (and honestly that's not out the question, I wouldn't put anything past Stern) the Blazers pick should land somewhere in the 6-8 range. With that pick the Nets (most likely) could have gotten their point guard of the future in either Kendall Marshall or Austin Rivers, or gone with a deadly scorer like Bradley Beal, Jeremy Lamb or Harrison Barnes on a rookie contract. Instead they will be paying 10+ million dollars next season for the decaying corpse of Gerald Wallace.

But hey, it could be worse. At least they'll be out of Jersey.

-fresh (@danye33)


Keep an eye out for Part 2 and 3 of my N.B.A. End Of Season Mega Column that will feature more superlatives, including MVP, DPY, ROY, COY, 6th Man, All-NBA teams, Playoff Predictions and more!

Somebody That I Used To Know- Stevie Franchise Edition

No, ladies and gentleman, that’s not Ja Rule you hear pumping through your shitty iPod headphones. That’s Stevie Franchise, one of the most exciting players I can remember from my early teenage years as an NBA fan. There wasn’t a defender in the league that could stay in front of the Franchise, dude had playground handles  and could hop out of the gym. His effort in the 2000 dunk contest is still one of my favorites. He had swag before white suburban kids everywhere went and shit all over the definition of the word.

I have just one question. Why, Steve? Why’d you have to go and ruin your flawless image as a washed up alcoholic crackhead, and turn your family vacation into a poorly lip-synced rap video? I like how he starts “singing” mid-verse (at least 3 times in the first 30 seconds of the video) and continues like it’s something every rapper does in their videos. You know what rappers do in their videos, Steve? NOT INCLUDE THEIR WIVES AND KIDS. 

Somewhere, Kelvin Cato is shaking his head in disappointment.

-Gary (@dontgetkilled)

2012 NFL Draft Preview- New York Giants

Here are some possible candidates that the New York Giants should target with their first and second round picks in the 2012 NFL Draft.

First Round (32nd overall)

Dont’a Hightower, MLB, Alabama

When it comes to run stuffing linebackers and a presence over the middle, Hightower is second to no one. Watching him throughout his college career, Hightower made a living punishing running backs with his devastating hits. He looked like a man amongst boys and played on the best defense in college football. Dont'a has the speed to make plays all over the field and run down any back. If he slides down this far into the draft the Giants should take him immediately, and the pick should be made before Goodell leaves the podium.

The Next Best Choice:

David Wilson, RB, Virginia Tech

The departure of Brandon Jacobs and the uncertainty of Ahmad Bradshaw making it through a whole season opens the door for the Giants to draft Wilson. Though he lacks the big body presence of Jacobs, he possesses the vision and runs hard between the tackles. He does not back down from a hit and will run over anything in his path. Along with the tough running style he has great speed to take the ball the distance from anywhere on the field. He will also give Manning a great target out of the backfield and will just add to the Giants weapons already loaded arsenal on offense.

Second Round (63rd overall)

Brian Quick, WR, Appalachian State

I think the Giants go off the beaten path here and select FCS receiver Brian Quick from App State. He is 6’2” 220 and one look at his highlight film and you will see that the kid is a baller. He does not have blazing speed, but has great hands. The drafting of Quick would allow the Giants to put Cruz and Nicks in the slot and create tons of mismatch problems all over the field. Quick is a play-maker and like Cruz comes from a smaller, lesser known football school, but there is potential and if there is something that fans love it's a good underdog story.

The Next Best Choice:

Brandon Boykin, CB, Georgia

Boykin is a 5’10” 183 corner who played in the daunting SEC and although he is coming off an injury sustained during the workouts leading up to the Senior Bowl, he is expected to make a full recovery. Boykin has a knack for making plays on the ball and is a fearless defender. He plays with a swagger on the field which has become the staple of the cornerback position. He would fit in great with the Giants pass rush because he is not afraid to jump a pass route and show up with reservations for six. Also his great kick returner background could make an impact on special teams as well. You can never have too many options.

-Berno

The NFL Draft will take place April 26-28 at Radio City Music Hall

To Tank Or Not To Tank? That Is The Question

What happens when losing now gives you the best chance at success later?

With just two nights of games remaining in the 2012 NBA regular season, playoff matchups remain far from etched in stone. In both the Eastern and Western Conferences the #4 and #5 seeds (Bos/Atl and L.A.C./Mem) could still potentially flip home courts, and the bottom of the East remains as open as Lindsey Lohan’s legs after a few Long Island Iced Teas. For example, the Knicks, currently the 7^th seed due to a tiebreaker over the 76ers, could either rise to the sixth seed (and play Indiana), fall to the 8^th seed (and play Chicago) or remain stagnant and play the Miami Heat.

New York currently trails Orlando by two games with as many remaining. Tonight they play host to the L.A. Clippers, who still have something left to play for (home court in round 1), before traveling to Charlotte on Thursday to face the historically bad Bobcats. The Magic play back-to-back games verse the aforementioned Badcats and the Memphis Grizzlies. The other team in the middle of this quagmire, the Philadelphia 76ers, will travel to Milwaukee and Detroit to close out the season.

Obviously, the driving force at the core of all sports is to beat your opponent and win games. But what happens when losing gives you the best chances of winning? If the Knicks go 2-0 to close out the season, they will likely remain the number seven seed, and will enter the Lion’s Den against King James and the reigning Eastern Conference Champs, the Miami Heat. This is likely to occur because quite frankly the Badcats have showed zero interest in trying hard this entire season, so why should their second to last game be any different? A 58^th loss tonight for the Charlotte clinches the 6^th seed for Orlando.

Now the 2012 Chicago Bulls are certainly nothing to scoff at. For the second straight year Thib’s boys have clinched the East’s top spot heading into the playoffs, both times over coming crippling injuries (last year it was Boozer/Noah, this year it was Hamilton/Rose). But when push comes to shove for the Knicks, wouldn’t they be better off taking their chances against a Bulls team that A) isn’t 100% healthy, you don’t know which D-Rose is going to show up and that’s a fact. The guy has been on the shelf for the majority of the second half of the season and at this point could get re-injured at any moment. B) is a favorable matchup for your team (the Knicks are better are every position besides PG and head coach) and C) as an objective fan of the sport, there is just no way LeBron, D Wade and co. don’t make it out of the first round of the playoffs. It’s just not going to happen. LeBron has never lost a first round playoff series, he’s dynamite until the stakes get high. The Bulls on the other hand… couldn’t you see D-Rose banging up his foot in game 3 and having to sit for the remainder of the series while Melo catches fire and Chandler owns the paint? Certainly a more plausible scenario than eliminating a team with 2 of the leagues 5 best players on it.

The Knicks haven’t won a playoff game in more than a decade. In 2001 they lost in the first round 3-2 to a Raptors team that saw Charles Oakley, Keon Clark and Alvin Williams play significant minutes. So to head into this postseason with expectations of anything more than a couple of wins for the blue and orange is risky business. However, on the off chance that the Knicks do rise to the occasion and make some noise, I believe that playing Chicago gives them the best chance to advance.

Lose now, thank me later.

-fresh (@danye33)

Dan is the Editor in Chief of the 2 Man Weave

2012 NFL Draft Preview- New York Jets

Here are some possible candidates that the New York Jets should target with their first and second round picks in the 2012 NFL Draft.

First Round (16th overall)

Courtney Upshaw, Alabama

Upshaw is a hybrid OLB/DE from the National Championship Alabama squad who absolutely terrorized college offenses last year. Upshaw would fit into Rex Ryans’s 3-4 scheme and has the ability to create havoc off the edge. He is 6’2” 275 lbs. and he played in the SEC which is probably the closest competition to the speed of the NFL. He will be able to use his strength and leverage to put pressure on the QB. Ryan will be able to use Upshaw on different sides of the field and will look to create problems for offensive lines. This pick would immediately help the Jets defense and Courtney is a guy who could come in and play right away.

NFL comparison: Cameron Wake

Next Best Choice:

Luke Kuechly, MLB, Boston College

Kuechly is probably the best pure inside linebacker in the draft and most people have never heard of him (because BC football has not been relevant since Doug Flutie). He plays sideline to sideline and seems to always be around the ball. The combination of Kuechly and Harris would be scary against the run.

Second Round (47th overall)

Harrison Smith, S, Notre Dame

With the Jets picking up Laron Landry, a hard hitting oft-injured safety, and with the uncertainty of Jim Leonhard the Jets best choice is to go with Harrison Smith. Smith really boosted his draft stock this season by being a ball hawking safety for the Golden Domers. He then burst onto the combine scene showing both speed and explosiveness. Either way, Eric Smith is not getting it done in the secondary, and Smith would be a nice upgrade at that position.

Next Best Choice:

Mohammed Sanu, WR, Rutgers

One of my favorite players in the draft who I believe has tremendous abilities as a WR. I think of him like a Donald Drive type with great game speed and play making ability. Would compliment Holmes and give Sanchez a reliable target with great hands. This will give Sanchez a weapon that will not cause problems, but will come in and work hard to get his touches on the field.

-Berno

The NFL Draft will take place April 26-28 at Radio City Music Hall

Help! My Friend Is Trying To Get Wifed Up "Just To Fit In"- Gettin Miggy Wit It, Vol. 2

Welcome back Honkeys...I hope you enjoyed the first installment of my bi-(curious)weekly advice column. Just some quick house keeping, if you have anything on your mind... something in your life you want an opinion on...or any question at all SEND IT TO THE WEAVE via e-mail (dan.chiavetta@gmail.com) or hit us up on our Facebook fan page. Leave it anonymous if you don’t trust me, but come on I’m like the chubby best friend in a 80's high school movie. You can tell me anything.... and I won’t try to bang you on prom night.

So let the lesson begin. The following is a call for help from a fellow Weaver.

Dear Miggs,

I have a tight nit group of friends that have been hanging out nearly every weekend since sophomore year of high school. We've all seen different girlfriends come and go but we have always stuck together. It’s safe to say that we have a lot of input on the female relationships of everyone in the group. One of us, let’s just call him “Fred” for safety sakes, recently started to hang out with a girl and it looks like its heading for the area of serious pretty quickly. Fred's two best friends, myself being one of them, have been in serious relationships for the past 2 years. On the other hand this new girl would be Fred's first serious girlfriend ever. I am happy for him finding someone but I'm not sure if he actually likes this girl or he’s settling because he feels the pressure that he hasn't had a serious girlfriend yet. If this girl was awesome and totally cool we wouldn't have an issue with it. BUT!!!! she has such a blah attitude that she’s kinda hard to be friendly and nice to. AND ITS NOT EVEN LIKE SHES THAT HOT....Even so it would be OK if Fred was totally in to her...BUT!!! He doesn't even seem to like her that much. When pressed, the most he’ll say is “yea kinda”. He has yet to make it official but I feel like it is going in that direction. It’s a tough line to tip toe because  as much as I would like to say something I don’t want to piss him off if he actually does like this girl. I don't want to be the guy who stops Fred from happiness but I also don't want him to be stuck in a relationship that isn't good for him. Just want to see what you think.

Thanks,

Bryan

Ok first off I want to thank you B-Minus for being the Guinea pig in this little experiment the weave is starting. I hope I can help because I think this is a situation a lot of people face when having one of their best friends start a relationship.

My thoughts quickly before I break down how you should handle it.

To me it sounds like this guy is feeling the pressure of everybody getting older and finding girlfriends and he has yet to have a serious relationship. This may make him more inclined to force feelings about this girl by his own doing. Think about it when you were a little kid and your friends would tell you they got Sega or Nintendo you went home immediately begged and cried in till you got one too. Also, I’m assuming you are not Mormon or Amish or some other super conservative religion and that these two people have done the horizontal mambo or she at least has touched his pepper a couple times. That weighs heavy on a man that may not have Wilt Chamberlain-esq. numbers in the sack. So he’s settling in the relationship aspect because the sex IS AS EASY AS PIE!!!! POOTANG PIE!!! (shout out to The Rock)

Step 1: Make your feelings known

If you haven’t noticed this from watching every romantic comedy ever, the only time people get hurt is when important information is with held.. like how you feel about your friends new squeeze. If Fred is as good of a friend as you say he is then your opinion should weigh heavily on his decision. Having said that, don't be a dick about it. Don't tell him that you don't think she’s hot, tell him how you feel about her personality and how they fit together. 

Step 2: Get him to tell you how he feels

He sounds like a shy guy. Maybe a little insecure, but if you are as good of friends as you say he should open up if you’re serious about the conversation and don't make it into a joke. If he reacts harshly and gets upset, it’s because he probably has doubt about the whole deal so by you saying it you are affirming the doubts he has and it may upset him. But if he opens up and really does have legitimate feelings for this girl it will show when he talks about it.

If you don’t feel like doing steps one and two, then your only option is to get rid of the chick Saving Silverman style. Because that is the only way that you will not be an asshole and makes it a full proof plan if he doesn’t actually like her. If he does like her than tough shit you can’t tell people who to like and who not to like.

Try and convince your boy to nut up and dump her

The only way someone ever kicks an addiction is by committing themselves to do it on their own. This is no different, the only way he is fully going to get rid of her is if he dumps her himself.  To help this along show him the good life, take him out without her coming, plan a "bro" night out or something homoerotic like that. I know you’re in a relationship but go out and talk to girls with him. Show him that there are better options out there.

I hope I helped you there B to the Ry, and just know that if they do go into a relationship it’s not the end of the world. If this girl sucks as much as it sounds like then it will probably end sooner rather than later. If not then get used to it and make her life a living hell so maybe she'll leave on her own.

Always remember I’m an open book so let the emails rain down on me like one of those weird Asian porn videos we all "accidentally" watch....seven times in a row.

-Miggs

Miggs is the 2 Man Weave's perma-frat boy

Thanks!

Next stop- A Milli

-fresh (@danye33)

2012 NFL Mock Draft

1. Colts- Andrew Luck (QB- Stanford)

It’s not going to be an easy job replacing Peyton Manning in Indianapolis but if anyone is up to the challenge it’s Mr. Luck. The most highly touted college quarterback since Dan Marino.

2.  Redskins- Robert Griffin III (QB-Baylor)

RG3 is a playmaker with all the intangibles you look for in a franchise QB and it looks like Dan Snyder might’ve finally made a good decision in trading up for this pick. This is Mike Shanahan’s last shot in D.C.

3.  Vikings- Matt Kalil (OT-USC)

Look for Kalil to protect Christian Ponder’s blind side for the next 12 years. He’s a great investment for a young franchise that still has a bunch of playmakers on the offensive side of the ball with Percy Harvin and AP.

4.  Browns- Trent Richardson (RB-Alabama)

The Browns cannot pass up this beast. He’s got Adrian Peterson-esq talent combined with a great work ethic. Richardson is a future fantasy superstar and can help the Browns in a tough AFC North division. With former Madden cover boy Peyton Hillis gone, the RB1 slot if Richardson’s job for the taking.

5.  Bucs- Morris Claiborne (CB-LSU)

LSU breeds players like this. Claiborne is an athletic freak and with Aqib Talib headed to jail, addressing the secondary should be Tampa’s first priority.

6. Rams- Justin Blackmon (WR-Oklahoma State)

Sam Bradford finally gets himself a big old target to throw to. Blackmon is not your typical WR diva, he’s got the potential to compete with Calvin Johnson for the best WR in the league someday. Matching up against Bradford, Steven Jackson, and Blackmon will not be an easy task for any NFL team. If they can improve again on the defensive side watch out for the Rams to make some moves in 2012.

7.  Jaguars- Melvin Ingram (OLB-South Carolina) or TRADE

Tough pick for a franchise with a new coach and owner. The Jags need help with the pass rush as well as adding weapons for Blaine Gabbert if they intend on molding him into a legitimate QB. I think Melvin Ingram at #7 is a smart move because they can get offensive talent later in the draft. Also, I wouldn’t be surprised if this pick is used as trade bait for a team looking to move up, possibly trying to swoop Tannehill.

8. Dolphins-  Ryan Tannehill (QB-Texas A&M)

The fins have been horrible on offense and need a true change for the franchise. Tannehill is the talk of the draft with his size, accuracy and talent but only went 12-7 in the Big 12. He was coached by Mike Sherman at A&M so he’s well versed in the NFL West Coast system but Tannehill also made some bad throws under pressure, which lead to a high number of INT’s. With the right coach, and some time, look for Tannehill to help turn the Dolphins franchise around.

9. Panthers- Quinton Couples (DE-UNC)

With reigning Offensive Rookie of the Year Cam Newton coming back for his 2^nd year the Panthers will make the playoffs in 2012. At 6-6, 285 lbs, Quinton Couples is just what the Panthers need on the D-Line. They’ve suffered a ton of injuries on both sides of the ball in recent years, but I believe that addressing a defense that allowed the sixth most points per game and fifth most yards per game is a must.

10. Bills- Michael Floyd (WR-Notre Dame)

The Bills 2011 season started out great before crashing worse than Michael Floyd behind the wheel of a car. After signing Mario Williams for $100 million during the offseason, the defense automatically gains credibility. By adding a physical receiver in Floyd, Kirkpatrick gets another weapon to take some pressure off Stevie Johnson. Plus the bars stay open til 4 in Buffalo so Michael should fit right in.

11. Chiefs- Fletcher Cox (DT-Miss State)

KC has plenty of talent on the offensive side and in 2011 were decimated by injuries, including superstars Eric Berry and Jamal Charles. Glenn Dorsey and Tyson Jackson, two LSU products have not delivered on the D-line, but look for the 6’4, 300 lb Fletcher Cox to help clog up the middle and stop the run for a defense that gave up the seventh most rushing yards in the league last season. I think KC comes back strong in 2012.  

12. Seahawks- Luke Kuechly (ILB)

Seattle has a big choice right here. They addressed some needs in the offseason but still seem week at certain positions. Kuechly is the hot pick right now who dominated at Boston College and has the stats to back it up. Here comes the dilemma where you have to decide between taking the best available player or draft by position needs. Kuechly has pro bowl potential and the size to be a run stopping machine in Seattle for the next 10 years.   

13. Cardinals- David Decastro (G)

Arizona needs help protecting Kevin Kolb who was sacked 30 times. David Decastro was Luck’s right hand man and helped turn around the Stanford program. He’s also very versatile and can probably be moved all along the Cardinals offensive line. Reliable, smart, athletic, strong and excellent footwork are just a few assets he possesses.

14.  Cowboys- Mark Barron (CB-Alabama)

The Cowboys had the NFC locked up until Jason Pierre Paul jumped six feet in the air and ruined their season. The Cowboys like usual are stacked at most positions but continue to get destroyed in their secondary. Coached by a former DB in Nick Saban, Mark Barron from the Crimson Tide seems perfect for the Cowgirls with the 14^th pick.

15. Eagles- Dontari Poe (DT-Memphis)

Andy Reid and the Eagles never frown on taking big defensive linemen. They signed linebacker, DeMeco Ryans, during the offseason and don’t need much help on the offensive side. When Philly is healthy, they are a problem for any team in the NFL. Dontari Poe the 6-4, 345 pounder from Memphis is the 3^nd rated defensive tackle on Kiper’s Big Board and could help the Eagles right off the bat. I think they go with Poe ahead of Michael Brockers from LSU who seems to be more of a project than an automatic contributor.

16. Jets- Courtney Upshaw (DE-Alabama)

Let the circus begin! The Jets belong on a VH1 reality show and I would not be surprised if they are 3-5 after eight games. However, they bring back a solid defense who’s only weakness seems to be getting to the quarterback. The Jets have made it known they are in the market for a DE. Another Alabama stud in Courtney Upshaw would work well in a Rex Ryan system set up for hitting people square in the mouth. I really like this pick for the Jets.

17.  Bengals- Dre Kirkpatrick (CB-Alabama)

The Bengals had a great 2011 season and were probably the best drafting team last year. AJ Green and Andy Dalton come back for their sophomore seasons ready to do work in the AFC North. The Bengals need help in the secondary and offensive line and that’s where Dre Kirkpatrick fits right in. Yes, he got in some trouble a week after they won the National Championship but you can’t pass on his upside.  He learned the DB position from Nick Saban, merks people, and has SEC speed that will translate well to the pro game. I think the Bengals, if healthy, can continue to give Baltimore and Pittsburgh a run for their money next year.

18. Chargers- Nick Perry (DE-USC)

One of the most underachieving team each of the past five years, the Chargers need to address the defensive side of the ball once and for all. I think Perry (6-3, 270lbs), who lead the Pac-12 in sacks would add value and help the Chargers force some turnover. Perry can play the OLB position as well, and his versatility will leave the Chargers with some options.

19. Bears- Riley Reiff (OT-Iowa)

The Chicago Bears and “draft” do not belong in the same sentence. Possibly the worst drafting team in NFL history, the Bears seem to pick people they know are going to suck. They finally added a WR after not having one for 15 years in Brandon Marshall, who will be reunited with Jay Cutler (Ed. Note- this was my favorite QB/WR duo in Madden ’09). They had an awful offensive line and need to protect their QB in the hard-nosed NFC North. Drafting Big 10 linemen can never hurt so I say Da Bears draft Riley Reiff who’s 6-6, 315lbs. With a healthy Gabe Carimi aka “the bear jew”, Chicago will automatically improve and give Cutler time in the pocket.

                     

20. Titans- Stephon Gilmore (CB-South Carolina)

Gilmore has all the skills it takes to be a stud in the NFL and some teams have him ranked as the best CB, ahead of Dre Kirkpatrick. The Titans lost Cortland Finnegan, so adding to the secondary makes sense here. I think Jake Locker makes huge strides this year and will help turn this franchise around.

21. Bengals- Michael Brockers (DT-LSU)

With two 1^st round picks for Cincy, I think they go d-line here. Michael Brockers (6-6, 320) is seen as work in progress for most NFL teams but obviously has the size and athletic talent. Once he learns to play in a pro system he could be trouble for opposing offensive lines.

22. Browns- Cordy Glenn (OT-Georgia)

The city know as the mistake on the lake have another opportunity to add value at pick #21. I am still a believer in Colt McCoy, but he needs to be protected. I say the Browns go with Cordy Glenn, the 6-6, 345 pounder from Georgia. Great investment for a team that has struggled the past few years.  With Trent and Cordy the Browns take giant strides forward offensively.

23. Lions- Janoris Jenkins (DB – North Alabama)

Detroit peaked way too early last year but still showed good signs of improvement, making the playoffs for the first time this millennium last season. Adding help in the secondary, especially when you play Green Bay twice a year, Janoris Jenkins would be a great pick for the Mo-Town Lions. Although Jenkins has had issues off the field, he’s got just as much talent as any other CB in the draft. High risk, high reward for the Lions here, but I think it will pay off to the tune of six interceptions next year.

24. Steelers- Dont’a Hightower (ILB-Alabama)

This pick is almost a lock if Dont’a is still on the board. I’m not sure you can script a better LB for the Steelers than Hightower. He helped lead ‘Bama to a National Championship and has the toughness, skill, and speed to help the Steelers for the next decade.

25. Broncos- Kendall Wright (WR-Baylor)

With all the hype and pressure surrounding Peyton Manning and the Broncos (god that sentence felt weird to type), they still have to go out there and prove it on the field in 2012. With Peyton at QB, adding a WR should be their first priority. Kendall Wright, who was RG3’s favorite receiver, can help the Broncos right away. Wright is crazy fast and will be huge pain to match up against.  

26. Texans- Chandler Jones (DE-Syracuse)

The Texans looked pretty good in 2011, and if not for injuries to Mario Williams and Matt Schuab, could have even contended for their first ever Super Bowl title. JJ Watt is a beast up front but they lost Mario Williams and DeMeco Ryans which definitely hurts. I think they address these holes right away and draft Chandler Jones from ‘Cuse. At 6’6, 265 he’s got NFL D-End written all over him.

27. Patriots- Shea McClellin (OLB-Boise State)

After getting owned in the Superbowl once again by King Eli, and whiffing on the 2011 draft, the Pats are desperately in need for young blood. The Pats love versatile players and Shea McClellin definitely fits that mold. They got shredded in the secondary last year and I believe that going with the OLB from Boise is the right move here.

28. Packers- Whitney Mercilus (OLB-Illinois)

Word on the street (internet) is that the Pack hope to improve their LB crew in 2012. Whitney Mercilus from the Fighting Illini would help Clay Matthews and AJ Hawk put pressure on the QB. Mercilus lead the nation with 13.5 sacks last year and has the size and speed to contribute right away.

29. Ravens- Mike Adams (OT-Ohio State)

Big 10 Linemen are always a good option for teams looking to improve up front. Bryant McKinney is getting old and maybe has two years max left in the tank. I believe they draft an offensive linemen and go with Adams from the Buckeyes. Although some believe he has some character issues, he’s the best available OT and has the potential to become a strong blocker for Flacco.

30. 49ers- Jonathan Martin (OG) or Coby Fleener (TE) Stanford

After swooping up the Giants sloppy seconds, San Fran has set themselves up for a legitimate shot at the Superbowl in 2013. Adding Randy Moss and Mario Mannningham will help Alex Smith open up the field in addition to having Mike Crabtree and Vernon Davis. I think it’s a coin flip between TE or OL, and I see the Niners staying local with Coby Fleener or Jonathan Martin who both played for Harborugh at Stanford.

31. Patriots- TRADE

This is my 100% mortal lock of the draft. No way does BB use both first round picks. Would NEVER happen.

32. Giants- Jonathan Martin (OG) or Coby Fleener (TE) Stanford

The Superbowl Champion New York Giants lost some players in the offseason but are poised to make another run for the crown in 2012. The G-men go with Coby Fleener or Jonathan Martin, whoever does not get drafted at 30 by the 49ers (unless the sneaky Pats jump in and decide to actually use their pick). If both players are gone, watch for RB’s Dough Martin from Boise State or David Wilson from Va Tech. History says the Giants take the best available player and adding a back after losing Brandon Jacobs is definitely a possibility.

 Top 5 Non-First Round Sleepers

1)      Russel Wilson- Wisconsin (QB)

2)      Jared Crick- Nebraska (DE)

3)      Harrison Smith- Notre Dame (SS)

4)      Kellen Moore- Boise State (QB)

5)      Case Keenum- Houston (QB)

-Nick D'Apice

Music Videos That Don't Suck Vol. 10

Because all MTV airs lately is acid-dropping babies mamas and bros that are prone to beating up the beat, I've taken the responsibility upon myself to present you, the reader, with worthwhile music videos to watch. This installment features the "4 Chords" by the Australian comedic trio the Axis of Awesome. See what they do here is play the same four chords for about six minutes, the whole time singing different songs that use those exact chords to illustrate how so many of the most popular songs are musically interchangeable. 

Below is the list of all the songs they feature, in order. 

Journey -- "Don't Stop Believing"
James Blunt -- "You're Beautiful"
Black Eyed Peas -- "Where Is the Love"
Alphaville -- "Forever Young"
Jason Mraz -- "I'm Yours"
Train -- "Hey Soul Sister"
The Calling -- "Wherever You Will Go"
Elton John -- "Can You Feel The Love Tonight" (from The Lion King)
Akon -- "Don't Matter"
John Denver -- "Take Me Home, Country Roads"
Lady Gaga -- "Paparazzi"
U2 -- "With Or Without You"
The Last Goodnight -- "Pictures of You"
Maroon Five -- "She Will Be Loved"
The Beatles -- "Let It Be"
Bob Marley -- "No Woman No Cry"
Marcy Playground -- "Sex and Candy"
Men At Work -- "Land Down Under"
Theme from America's Funniest Home Videos
Jack Johnson -- "Taylor"
Spice Girls -- "Two Become One"
A Ha -- "Take On Me"
Green Day -- "When I Come Around"
Eagle Eye Cherry -- "Save Tonight"
Toto -- "Africa"
Beyonce -- "If I Were A Boy"
Kelly Clarkson -- "Behind These Hazel Eyes"
Jason DeRulo -- "In My Head"
The Smashing Pumpkins -- "Bullet With Butterfly Wings"
Joan Osborne -- "One Of Us"
Avril Lavigne -- "Complicated"
The Offspring -- "Self Esteem"
The Offspring -- "You're Gonna Go Far Kid"
Akon -- "Beautiful"
Timberland featuring OneRepublic -- "Apologize"
Eminem featuring Rihanna -- "Love the Way You Lie"
Bon Jovi -- "It's My Life"
Lady Gaga -- "Pokerface"
Aqua -- "Barbie Girl"
Red Hot Chili Peppers -- "Otherside"
The Gregory Brothers -- "Double Rainbow"
MGMT -- "Kids"
Andrea Bocelli -- "Time To Say Goodbye"
Robert Burns -- "Auld Lang Syne"
Five for fighting -- "Superman"
The Axis of Awesome -- "Birdplane"
Missy Higgins -- "Scar"

This is one of those instances where the song is better than the music video itself, but if you give it a shot you will not be disappointed. Some highlights of this video are when the fat guy signs the Lion King song with a pink boa on, when the skinny dude dresses like GaGa for Paparazzi and their reenactment of "Love The Way You Lie" to name a few. 

-fresh (@danye33)